Melanie Donus | Meditation, Journaling and Autism In The Pandemic

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And now your host, Joel Mark Harris.

Joel: Hello and welcome to the Publishing for Profit Podcast. This is your host, Joel Mark Harris. Today we are interviewing Melanie Donus who has a new book out called “Leaning On Mom: Letters To Roberta, How a Mom of Three with Autism Found Strength During the Pandemic.” It’s really a heart-wrenching tale of how she coped through the pandemic.

She is a recovering alcoholic and she has obviously three kids, three boys with autism and how she managed to get through these tough times and really persevere. It’s a great story to talk about how she launched the book, how it started out as a journaling exercise, and became something bigger.

So it’s really a great interview. she has fantastic insight and I hope you enjoy this episode.

Hi, Melanie. Welcome to this show. How are you today?

Melanie: I’m fabulous. Thanks, Joel. Thanks for having me. I’m excited to be here.

Joel: First off, you wrote a new book, ‘Leaning On Mom.”  Can you tell us a little bit about, about your book and, and the circumstances that arose, with you for writing it?

Melanie: Sure. Thank you happen to have it right here. Of course. and the full title, somewhat of a mouthful, but, Leaning on Mom: Letters to Roberta. How a Mom of Three with Autism Found Strength During the Pandemic.” And I am a mom of three school-aged children with autism three boys. And, I really found myself in a place that I had never been before during the pandemic.

I was very panicked. One of them has severe behaviour challenges. Another one really can’t survive without having a continuous and constant schedule. Which I knew was not going to be the case. And then another one is, completely non-verbal and we are working on various communication strategies with him that required other people to be around him, as well as outside activities in the community, like learning how to use the restroom, public restroom, which is something that he still doesn’t do.

I found myself facing some mental health challenges. And I lost my mom three years ago and I just started using journaling as a means of therapy, something that I had never done before. So the book is a compilation of 26 letters that I wrote to my mom from March, actually from February 8th until June 22nd, which was, the first part of the lockdown in the pandemic.

Joel: Did it start out as a book idea or was it purely just, a means to journal and gather your thoughts and to center yourself?

Melanie: Absolutely. It was not a book. I am an independent, author. I’m a newbie at this. I do have a little bit of experience writing because I have co-authored two books for professional purposes because I’m an executive recruiter by trade, but it really wasn’t a book. Many people have told me I should write a book about my family, but I never really felt like I had my niche. My whole network of friends and have you are pretty much all autism moms are in the autism profession. So. we all have seen it all and I really didn’t have anything that I felt like would be unique.

I did just start out by writing. And after about three weeks, I realized that someone may actually enjoy reading this and actually I would enjoy documenting it and reading it years and years from now after the pandemic was over.

Joel: So was there like an aha moment where I’m like, I’m going to turn this into a book or was it something that you came to realize over time that maybe this would be beneficial to somebody reading it?

Melanie: I felt like I had some content that someone may like to read. And then I did reach out to a friend who was an editor and we started talking about it. And within 20 minutes, We started talking about how I could write letters and then right away the topic or the idea. And my aha moment came up about writing letters to my mom who passed away suddenly, three years ago.

I really miss her. I took her passing very hard. I miss her tremendously and it was very therapeutic. And so that was it. It was about three weeks in when I decided that it was that the book would be letters to my mom. And at that point it just started flowing very easily and every morning I got up during the first four months of the pandemic, I got up at 5:00 AM and I wrote from five to seven.

Joel: Can you tell us a little bit about your mom? Obviously, she’s a very, was a very influential person in your life and somebody that I’m assuming you looked up to. What was she like and what sort of relationship did you have with her?

Melanie: I had a very close relationship with my mom. She was a very devout Christian. She never missed a day of church. She went to church three times a week. Sunday morning, Sunday, evening and Wednesday evening. And then there was also Friday morning women’s prayer group. my mom during the last, during the last 10 years of her life she walked with a walker and it was challenging for her to get around.

She had several back surgeries, but she was continuously helping others and she literally went from one person that was in hospice type care to another, including her brothers and friends and neighbours and dedicated her life to them and our time to them and supporting them during the last few months of their life.

I get probably count about 15 people during the last 10 years of her life. That she held that way. She always was reading on grace, Livingston Hill books. she loved guide posts. yes. What can I say? she always loved reading some kind of Christian based, magazine or our publication.

Joel: Did you always have a good relationship with her?

Melanie: No, not always say there was a point in my life when I felt like the black sheep of the family. I grew up in West Virginia. Part of my childhood was Indiana and part of my childhood was West Virginia. I am a coal miner’s daughter. A lot of people can’t believe that, but I’m a very proud coal miner’s daughter.

My father is also diseased and, right after college, I moved to California. And then I ended up in New York through a job. but there was a period of time when we weren’t that close, but after I had my children, we became very, very close. I rarely missed a day without talking to her sometimes, twice a day.

Joel: Tell us a little bit about your journaling How long have you been doing it for and what have you discovered through the process?

Melanie: Well, I really had never used journaling before until February 8th when I started writing. And, really at that point, it was kind of just a brain dump on a Google document. It was incredibly therapeutic for me. it most definitely instigated change and growth. That I could, I had never seen before and I have seen therapists and gotten help from counsellors before, through my mental health challenges. And I have to say that journaling, gave me so much relief and comfort and peace and motivation during a time when I think that we were all very, very low and, somehow someway I made it through and I came out with a book I’m super proud.

Joel: And as you should be, what, I mean, what prompted the journaling, if you had never tried it before, or had never thought about the pro practice, what motivated you to pick it up and obviously become very dedicated towards it?

Melanie: Thank you. I was at my second bottom in alcohol and alcoholism. I am a recovering alcoholic and several years ago I found sobriety and then, two years ago I relapsed and no one knew.

And I had tried to get sober again from August through December and it just wasn’t working. And I was going to an outpatient clinic where I go on Long Island. I continue to go to and then I had to stop going because my son was hospitalized out of state and he came home and I was still trying to get sober.

And every day no matter what I did, I could not get more than three to five days under my belt. And then I realized when the pandemic hit that this was time. It wasn’t about two days or three days. And then slipping again, this was it. This was my time I thought that the liquor stores were considered non-essential and, so I knew it was my time and, and it was my bottom because I refused to go to the liquor store and then, and then possibly expose my family to a deadly virus. And that was my second bottom.

Joel: If we can dive a little bit deeper into this what happens that you, relapsed the first time?

Melanie: Oh, very interesting story. Something that I learned about myself and that is that I did not know how to relax without drinking. When you think about it, we all go to part, when you’re drinking at a party, you go to the beach, you drink, you go wherever you’re going. Wherever you’re calling you usually have a drink in your hand. And for the first time in 10 years, my husband and I were alone. And I mean, we have gone out to dinner for a few times, but really rarely did we go out.

And, at that point I had my all three of my children were going to sleep away camp. For two weeks together. And I really didn’t know what to do with myself. And as soon as the week before, when I was preparing for the three of them to go, to go camping, they, I remember I was thinking in my head that I was going to drink and then, and then when they dropped them off and as soon as we dropped them off, Sorry, as soon as we dropped them off I told my husband, I wanted to go to my favourite restaurant and have a drink, and that’s why I relapsed.

And I promise when we were staying at the restaurant. I mean, he just sat there and looked at me and said, “I know you were on medication for alcoholism. is it okay?” And I said, “I don’t know, we’ll find out.” And I was determined to drink that day, but I promised him that it was only going to be that day. And it turned into every day for two years.

Joel: Gotcha. And then your son was in the hospital. What happened there?

Melanie: Oh, yes. I had to admit him too. My son has been hospitalized several times and we’re talking about my son, Michael, who was one of the 18-year-old twins and he had to be hospitalized, several times in a psychotic, or another psychiatric unit to get help with medication.

to regulate him so on and so forth. And he was having some pretty, pretty challenging behaviours that I didn’t feel were safe for me or the rest of our family, especially my other children. And, he was in crisis. He was in crisis. And so I searched for an autism inpatient unit. and I did find a hospital in Connecticut and I had him admitted in December, actually, actually, I’m sorry for interrupting this time. Last year he was in the hospital. He was in the hospital during Christmas last year.

Joel: And so you have three kids, that all have on the autism spectrum. Where about are they on the spectrum?

Melanie: Yeah, thank you for asking. I have 18-year-old twins and they are mid functioning. They’re very verbal. Neither one of them are Regents diploma bound. They will get what’s called an IEP diploma or a local diploma after school. They will probably go to a transition program. one of them is in a residential. School in Boston. And so he thinks he’s in his senior year at the school, but what he doesn’t know is that this will actually cause the college program also.

So, he’ll be there. and, but he speaks a lot. He’s very technology savvy. Dimitri will most definitely have a job. He’ll go to a transition program. A two year transition program that teaches vocational skills. My twelve-year-old is nonverbal. He uses an iPad to communicate his wants and needs.

Joel: I think that you go through a lot of challenges, just the like on a daily basis that a lot of people don’t. Can you describe some of those things that are perhaps difficult for you that, and how you, how you overcome them on a, on a daily basis?

Melanie: For one thing. I meditate three times a day, for 10 minutes and it’s hard. I have to put it in my, I have to put it in my calendar and I have to stop everything.

And even if I have to get out of the house and meditate, I have to do that. And that’s been one of the biggest tools that I have learned. through the pandemic as, as well as support. I know alcoholism is very lonely. It’s, it’s a disease of isolation as well as, you know, being a special needs.

Mom. I’m sure that anyone, I mean, I, as you know, Mo. Most of them will smile and say, it’s okay. Everything’s great. Everything’s fine. And, and I can tell you that probably 99% of the time, it’s not. And, you know, like for example, with my son, who has behavior challenges. He is super talented in technology.

He has beautiful language. but in terms of behaviour challenges, the last two years of his life, we had the police at our house, so many times because of his OCD with, Amazon and with. Hoarding. He’s a big quarter with items. for example, if he has one, he is obsessed with the wiggles. I mean, he has been, I don’t know if you know the wiggles the children’s group from Australia.

And we know them personally because he owns probably $15,000 worth of merchandise from them. For example, if there is one DVD, he has to have that DVD from Canada. There was a Canadian release as a UK release. There’s a Japanese release. And then by the dates of manufacture, and then if there’s a sticker on the front that says sale, it’s different.

So he has to have that one as well. And if that comes out and it’s, and it’s hard for being to get the item and he, and he wouldn’t earn it, then, The property destruction would happen. The holes in the wall, the slamming of microwave, school, starting school every year was a challenge because he, because the structure, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s a different type of schedule, even though he had it back in June.

And we tried to keep his schedule as consistent as possible, the first day of school. Cause a tremendous. Amount of anxiety for him and two years in a row, he, he microwave to his backpack, which is very scary. So, you know, we have challenges like that. Then, you know, you get the three, the three problem.

In terms of my son, Dimitri, who we get very upset when I would. Try and implement Michael’s behavior plan because he knew that Michael was going to screen. So then my son, Dimitri, who rarely has property destruction since my son, Michael moved away to Boston. But at the time he would try and punch the TV, pour water over the TV. That was his go-to. So a lot of big property destruction.

Joel: It’s expensive after a while. Isn’t it?

Melanie: Yes it is. And not to spoil the book, but I think you’ve read part of it. I think, you know, there was one incident with the TV that we talked about very early on during lockdown.

Joel: So that’s a lot to deal with. What are some of the tools that you have, or that you could pass on to somebody else who perhaps is facing similar challenges with, somebody with autism that you can pass on to them?

Melanie: Sure. The biggest, you know, one of the things that I’ve learned, during the pandemic, through my journey to sobriety again, is reaching out for support and that’s not something that I do easily. and I think it’s just critical that you have a good, not only that you have a good support system and I did have a good support system, but you need to exercise that support system and you need to make that call or you don’t send that text and say, you know, I’m not okay.

I need help. Can you talk to me for a few minutes? I know that it puts you in a vulnerable state, but you really it’s critical that you do that. And I know that in the recruiting world, we talk about networking. One of the chapters that, that, my manager and I wrote about is the title of the chapter is networking. It’s uncomfortable, but do it anyway. That’s one of the biggest tools. That I’ve learned, solution starts with support.

Joel: Gotcha. so what do you think, People can, can, what are some of the biggest takeaways that you think people, after reading a book, what are some of the things that they can take away and, and, implement in their own lives?

Melanie: Sure. thank you for that question. First of all, you do not know what demons someone may be battling. It’s always best to take the high road, whether you feel like it or not be kind because you really don’t know how someone can be battling addiction or substance abuse, depression, anxiety. I think we’re all very good at acting.

I think a lot of people were shocked when they read my book because, you know, so many people said I had no idea. You, you seem so strong and I admire you for, for your strength and your ability and your parenting skills, but they had no idea that at the end of the day, I’m sitting there with several bottles of wine, and battling getting clean. So number, first and foremost, just be kind.

Joel: Hmm. So what was the publishing process like? Cause there’s one thing to do at journal to have these private thoughts, but then put them out into the world is got to be scary. It’s got to be tough. Did you find that was the case? I mean, you seem like a very, you’re obviously a very open book and, and, and willing to talk about all these issues very openly, which I commend you for by the way.

But it’s still, there’s still has to be that sense of fear. I think that, you know, what, what will people think of me? Did you, did you find that was the case.

Melanie: Somewhat during the writing process, but I have to tell you when I pushed that publish button, I was shaking and my shoes, I ate so many people, no one else.

No, there weren’t a lot of people who knew that I. I’m a recovering alcoholic. And even like people close to me didn’t know that I had relapsed. So including my mother-in-law, who had been to my house, you know, practically every day I was very good at hiding my bottles. She had no idea people in our family had no idea.

yes, it was very scary. However, I feel like. It’s just so important to bring awareness to, especially to, you know, as you know, I dedicate the book to other special needs moms. because it’s just so important that someone really talks about the bag on Facebook, on Instagram, on Twitter, on social media feeds, everything looks great.

You know, everybody’s having a vacation, everyone’s having a beautiful holiday, but you know, it’s, I’m a realist. Let’s just be real about this. this is what it’s really like, and I really wanted to bring awareness to that and yes, it was scary, but I’m really glad I did.

Joel: Yeah, I think, you know, up here in Canada too, like, you know, there’s, I mean, it’s not in areas. There’s like very strict lockdowns where we’re locked down here, but it’s, it’s not super strict, but even. Without the, social aspect of day-to-day life. It, it gets really tough, you know, and it wears down on you. And I think that a lot of people are struggling with, you know, you know, the isolation and not being able to see people, So what, is there anything that peop that people can do to not feel so alone and especially during lockdown and today’s a pandemic?

Melanie: Oh, it’s it. I think it’s easier to be social now than it was. Before the pandemic. I think our world has changed tremendously with socialization and the ability to find people that you have things in common with and to socialize. I am in a, in a 12 step program, 12 step based program, and I have been able to participate in, support groups all over the world.

And, I choose to participate and, mainly women’s groups and there they are. They’re there, there are zoom calls everywhere. I just think that people need to reach out and take that time to socialize with others. Mm.

Joel: And how does the, how did the support groups help you?

Melanie: We are all very honest.

We’re all very vulnerable. And we are all very real women, just like me who have significant challenges that others would never know about. And we’re all just trying to improve ourselves and enjoy our lives and, and support everyone around us. be, be the best person that we can be.

Joel: Going back to the book. You created a website, you’ve done some marketing. What’s, what’s the end goal with, with the bulk and who do you hope to reach?

Melanie: Thank you. The end goal of the book is to create mental health awareness surrounding special needs moms. Someone feels like it’s a taboo topic.

mothers really don’t reach out because we aren’t allowed to say where we’re having a bad day. We have a lot of responsibility. I mean, motherhood at any point, special needs are not it’s tough. Motherhood is super tough. So the purpose of my book really is to expose though the special needs moms and what we live, like, what, what it.

May look like, on a day to day basis and, And that’s really the end goal of my book. I do. it, it’s not about, a financial from a financial standpoint. It’s not about making an income. This is my first book. it’s really about sending a message. And I’m looking forward to doing that more in 2021.

I mean, I think you and I, I spoke to you about my marketing campaign starting in January 100 to 100, where I’m going to give away 100 printed books to other, autism moms who may feel lonely during the second search of the pandemic.

Joel: And where did you, did you see? yeah, I guess where did you come up with that campaign?

Melanie: I don’t know how I, it just came to my mind.

Joel: I really like it.

Melanie: Thank you. Thank you. I’m really excited about it. I’m excited about the idea to connect with others. That’s the whole purpose of it to connect. I don’t have that second page up on my website yet. I’m launching it. the, I probably the second week of January, but really, you know, I want to send a message of, are you struggling in the pandemic?

Are you still struggling in the pandemic? Well, so, and I read my book and I bet we have things in common let’s connect.

Joel: Could you talk a little bit about more of the stigma around, yeah, I guess motherhood and autism.

Melanie: at what, in terms of our expectations. It seems like you said that, with motherhood that you, you’re not allowed to have a bad day. And I think that probably resonates with a lot of, especially moms because. You need to always seem like a perfect mother and you need to have everything you need to have the job you need to have, you know, be a perfect mom and be there for your kids, the kids. And obviously that’s not always possible.

Melanie: No, it’s not. We are, we have the tremendous amount of responsibility on our shoulders. If you’re managing like, like in my case, managing three very disabled souls. And if I go to. If I go to a clinic or if I go to, an agency that provides help and I’m very vulnerable and I answer all their questions and I tell them what my responsibilities are at home versus what I’m drinking and they are a mandated reporter. Then it can put you in a situation that it. That’s not really ideal. It’s kind of the same thing as nurses, you know, nurses, you know, I have a couple of nurse friends who were afraid to get help or who may be on relapse. And, they’re afraid because if they get reported, then they could lose their job.

Joel: So, what is there a solution to that? Is there a way that they can get help and, and there can be that safe space for them, without the threat of, of losing a job or, you know, having kids taken away.

Melanie: Yes. The solution is to find someone who recommends an agency or a social worker that they have worked with.

You have to know someone who is trustworthy. it’s very unfortunate that you really can’t just find something on a place on the internet and social media, without the recommendation, you have to get recommendations of people who have worked there.

Joel: Gotcha. And so have you, you know, I guess marketing plan aside what’s what do you envision for the book?

Melanie: I envision, sending it out to, a lot more than a hundred women. I would love to send it to a hundred women in every country. I would love to get sponsors who can help me print. It’s not a lot of money, but I’m not a wealthy person, but, you know, I would love to send it to more than a hundred people.

I would like to send the book and just get attention. From various different media sources who can help bring awareness to mental health challenges, you know, and in a perfect world, I’d like to have. I have some ideas in my head about how I can create an organization that is safe for special needs moms and their mental health challenges, possibly find a partner, and a university hospital that could possibly create an agency or a safe place for us.

Joel: Awesome. So I’m going to wrap it up with one last question, and this is something I ask all my, Anyone who’s on the podcast and that is, is there, do you have a favorite book or one that you like to gift?

Melanie: I do have one book that I happen to be very proud of. And it’s only because I not, because I’m a co-author that I’m very passionate about women returning to the workforce. So any book that’s about women returning to the workforce, but I do have a full Cod on her weight back. That’s a step-by-step guide.

And I would be happy to send it to anyone free of cost. If you are a woman and you would like to return to the workforce after being at homes or, being a full-time mom, I would be happy to send it.

Joel:  Can you tell us a little bit, so what are the cha, so I know I said that was the last question, but I’m really curious about this now.

what’s yeah. What are some of the challenges that women face when returning to the workforce?

Melanie: Oh, that’s a great question. Transfer a skills. A lot of women don’t know how to transfer their skills, or how do you articulate it on paper? What they’ve done in the past 10 years? I’m sure that they, there are a lot of organizations that they’ve been involved in.

There were a lot of projects that they’ve worked on pro bono, and they need to be able to articulate that onto paper. That is attractive to a recruiter. In addition, they need to know how to beat the ATS system, which is applying online and how you, you know, keywords, keywords, keywords, have your social media profiles set up properly.

also have a plan. You have to be organized. And what you want to do. You can’t, you can’t, you have to have it all perfectly organized in terms of your job search. and in terms of what industry you want to be in and what job roles you want to be on it, you can’t be scatterbrained and have it all over the place.

those are the main parts to find having a successful job search. I love supporting women.

Joel: Awesome. and, so thank you for being on the show today, for people who want to reach out to you with what’s the best place to find you, where can they buy the book?

Melanie: Sure. my website is Melanie donnas.com and, my book is on Amazon called leaning on mom.

And my email address is embraceautism67@gmail.com.

Joel: Perfect. Well thank you again for being on the show today.

Melanie: Thanks for having me. I really appreciate it